


I Have to Leave (But I Will Always Come Back)

by SleepyKalena



Category: Rogue One: A Star Wars Story (2016)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Cassian and Leia are active duty, Christmas, F/M, Fluff and Angst, Jyn and Han are dependents, Military, Mutual Pining, No one can seem to communicate properly here, let's blame the satphones
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-28
Updated: 2017-12-28
Packaged: 2019-02-22 21:30:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,809
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13175592
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SleepyKalena/pseuds/SleepyKalena
Summary: Jyn and Cassian have been together for three years, but now that Cassian is on his third deployment, Jyn has to deal with the fact that she has to spendyet anotherChristmas alone.Cassian stood up and took her face in his hands. “Please say you understand and mean it,” he pleaded, his eyes searching hers for some level of understanding.Instead of looking him straight in the eye, Jyn had shut herself back into her memories as her eyes were downcast; she remembered the face of her father, and their final exchange before he was practically ripped away from her, her family torn apart and broken.She opened her mouth, took a breath, and looked up at Cassian’s eyes. “I understand,” she said again, but the words felt hollower in her head as she recited them.It took her two weeks to learn that if she buried herself in her work, she could make herself so tired that she’d pass out on the couch and not think too hard about how cold their bed had become since his deployment.[For RebelCaptain Secret Santa 2017]





	I Have to Leave (But I Will Always Come Back)

**Author's Note:**

> For [@carr-crashh-heartss](https://carr-crashh-heartss.tumblr.com/), my Rebelcaptain Secret Santa giftee, whose prompt was _“All I want for Christmas is you”_. I hope this was an angsty enough read with a fluffy ending!  <3 
> 
> Sorry I had to post this a day early- I'm an idiot and signed up to post on a day that I had a bunch of things to do, so...whoops. I've got the tumblr post queued up for the proper post date though, so there's that!

“Are you seriously not going to do anything for Christmas?”

“Curling up on the couch with a glass of wine and Netflix is _something,_ Leia!”

“No, it is not!” Leia insisted. “Jyn, Christmas is in three days; why aren’t you doing anything for it?”

Jyn shot her a look, and Leia’s face softened slightly when she saw the hint of sadness forming at the edges of her eyes.

“Right…sorry,” Leia whispered.

Jyn traced a finger around the rim of her glass and the ice clinked. The bar table they sat in was isolated, but the ambiance around them bustled in the holiday cheer. She loathed it. She wanted to roll her eyes at it. And the only reason why she dragged herself out of her office was because Leia stormed right in and refused to leave until she looked up from her computer and went to lunch with her.

“So how’s Han? And Ben?” Jyn asked, trying to change the subject.

Leia shrugged. “Han’s been busy as usual. Luckily I was allowed to use up some of my leave, so I can watch over Ben while Han finally gets some time to himself.”

“Does he still have temper tantrums?”

“Who, Han or Ben?”

“Han,” Jyn said before sticking her tongue out.

Leia rolled her eyes as Jyn cackled at the accomplishment of her own joke. “You know I meant Ben,” Jyn finally said as she came down from her laughter.

“They’re called Terrible Two’s for a reason,” Leia joked. “Honestly it’s a process to try and understand him.”

There was a contemplative silence between the two after the waitress came back to refill their glasses of water. Jyn continued to trace a finger along the rim of the glass while Leia took a sip out of her own.

“It’s always a bit of a process, isn’t it?” Jyn asked quietly.

Leia nodded. She knew. Jyn was confident that she knew. Being enlisted _and_ married can be taxing in a relationship. Not that she and Cassian were married. But they may as well have been.

Or so she’d like to think.

Jyn sat back and slumped against the tall chair. “I mean, really, me being miserable by all this? I should’ve seen it coming. I don’t know what I was thinking. I even had a rule about it.” _Don’t date a man who’s just going to be constantly sent on deployment._ It was a rule she broke and, three deployments later, she’s been feeling emotionally drained about Cassian constantly being gone during times when people were just expected to be together.

 

_“You know how it goes,” Cassian attempted to explain. “This is my job, please try to understand.”_

_She remembered nodding at him. “I understand.”_

_“I’m hoping I’ll be back within 6 months; at least, that’s what I’ve been told,” he said as he packed his duffle._

_Jyn could only nod. She knew just as well as he did that the chain of command was never going to tell him exactly how long his deployment would be; why would they? The fewer the people in the know, the better. That sort of intel was above Cassian’s pay grade. Chances were good that she’d have to go through yet another Christmas without him, and the tone in his voice betrayed the hope he tried to exhibit to ease her._

_Cassian stood up and took her face in his hands. “Please say you understand and mean it,” he pleaded, his eyes searching hers for some level of understanding._

_Instead of looking him straight in the eye, Jyn had shut herself back into her memories as her eyes were downcast; she remembered the face of her father, and their final exchange before he was practically ripped away from her, her family torn apart and broken._

_She opened her mouth, took a breath, and looked up at Cassian’s eyes. “I understand,” she said again, but the words felt hollower in her head as she recited them. The corners of her lips flicked upwards into a smile, an attempt to hide the loneliness she was already pre-emptively feeling._

_Cassian smiled back, warm and loving as ever, and pulled her into a hug._

_Jyn claimed she understood, but just like with her 8-year old self, saying that she understood was wildly different from actually understanding it. She so badly wanted to, but she just couldn’t, not this time. It chipped away at her with every passing week since._

_It took her two weeks after Cassian's first deployment to learn that if she buried herself in her work, she could make herself so tired that she’d pass out on the couch and not think too hard about how cold their bed had become since his deployment._

 

“I’m sure Cassian’s trying his best,” Leia reached out to put a hand on Jyn’s. It twitched under her touch, as if it reviled the contact.

“He is. I know he is.” Jyn sighed. “But that doesn’t change the missed anniversaries, the missed parties, the constant stress of wondering when he’ll come back, assuming he comes back at all, and…”

Jyn couldn’t finish her sentence. No additional words were needed, however. Leia knew; she just came back from deployment herself.

“Are you sure you don’t want to spend Christmas with us? I’ve got my yearly Christmas party, and you can just save your Netflix binge for later that night,” Leia offered.

She nodded. “Kes and Shara already tried to invite me to their place, but honestly you guys are both married and have families to go to for the holidays. I’m used to being alone. It’s probably for the best, anyway- I’d rather not drag a holiday party down just because I miss him.” _Because seeing the rest of you together is a reminder of what I can’t have right now_.

Leia tried to open her mouth to make a counterargument, but she looked at Jyn from across their table, looking so drained from her crammed holiday work hours, that she thought better of it and shut her mouth. Instead, she closed her fingers around Jyn’s hand and squeezed them gently.

Jyn rolled her eyes, but then looked away shyly with a small chuckle. “That’s too much sentiment, Leia.”

“Alright, well,” Leia lifted her hand off Jyn’s and clasped it with her own in excitement. “Can I interest you in a good bottle of wine for Christmas to go with your Netflix binge-watching instead?”

She turned her head to gaze back at her with a wide grin. “ _Now_ we’re talking.”

 

Cassian sighed as he lay back on his bed and ran his thumb over a picture of him and Jyn at the beach. His skin had tanned a little more easily than Jyn, and he had turned a warm, golden tan as he wrapped his arms around Jyn’s chest from behind. Her pale arms, turning a bit pinkish from the intensity of the sunlight, were outstretched past the picture’s boundaries as she held her phone up for the selfie.

They were wet, sandy, and squinty from the sun. But they looked happy- the wide grin on her face and crinkled eyes paired well with his own soft, gentle smile.

It was one of the few photos they ever managed to take.

It seemed a bit asinine to print a physical picture when everyone had electronic devices. But Cassian learned that it was a lot better to brush a thumb over Jyn’s lips in the picture and not have to worry about swiping to the next photo in his album in the process.

He missed her lips; they made smiles that caused him to melt, they’d part ways as she exhaled in amusement at whatever dumb joke he had to make, and they pouted in such an adorable way whenever he had to go to work on Mondays, when he was back at his duty station.

There was a pang in his heart when he saw those same lips turned slightly downward as she saw him off so many months ago.

He’d been nearing the end of his 8th month of deployment; he wasn’t sure exactly when he’d return at this point. _Another missed Christmas at this rate_ , he lamented.

It started to hurt to look at this beach photo. It was taken on a random date when they went out to the beach, a spur-of-the-moment day that should be cherished, surely, but…

The longer he was away from home, the more the picture became a reminder that this was all he could bring because there weren’t many occasions for them to take pictures in the first place.

“How much longer do you plan on staring at that picture, Cassian?” someone asked, entering the shared quarters he was in.

Cassian looked up. A dark-skinned man with an equally shaved head as his own towered over him, looking down at him quizzically.

“For as long as we’re still out here, Kay; I thought you knew that,” he responded with a chuckle.

Kay took a seat on his own cot across from Cassian. “Have you told her when we’re coming back yet?”

He shook his head slightly. “I’ve tried calling her twice, but she hasn’t picked up.”

“Is she avoiding you?”

“I’m sure she’s just busy at work.”

“To avoid you.”

“Kay,” Cassian reprimanded.

“Tell me how I’m wrong,” Kay challenged. “I’ll even bet she hasn’t responded to your bi-weekly email updates.”

Cassian refused to answer.

Kay hummed in response to the silence.

It was hard to refute that.

 

_On Cassian’s first deployment, the first thing he did was leave an email for Jyn once he had access to WiFi. Her responses were rather quick. The honeymoon phase didn’t last that long, however, and Jyn started to sound more and more dispirited with time. After a few weeks, however, her responses were curt, and came at a much slower rate than before._

> Hey Jyn,
> 
> We had to deal with some IEDs, but it wasn’t anything we couldn’t handle. Just a minor inconvenience. I miss you, though. Tell me about your day? It’s been pretty boring here for the past week. How have you been?
> 
> Love,
> 
> Cassian

_Her response?_

> Hey,
> 
> Things are fine. Busy at work, though. Haven’t been getting much sleep. I miss you too.
> 
> Jyn

_On one hand, this wasn’t a surprise. He found out eventually that Jyn threw herself in her work whenever he left, signing up for back-to-back projects as lead programmer to fill in the time gaps. He was happy to see her do great things for SPAWAR’s software development division, especially as Saw’s right-hand woman, so he beamed with pride when Jyn’s email messages were short and didn’t reveal much about her day. A lack of words meant she was working hard on major projects, as even civilian contractors in the military are bound by stricter non-disclosure agreements._

_About a month ago, Cassian missed her more and more, and wrote a longer email:_

> Jyn,
> 
> It’s been getting pretty chilly here. Reminds me of the times we’d cuddle on the couch while watching stupid shit on Amazon or Netflix. Hopefully you haven’t seen anything off our list yet! We still need to see Stranger Things. Please don’t watch it without me? I’ll know you cheated because you always make those cringey faces when you try to act like you don’t know what’s going to happen next. I don’t want a repeat of Kimmy Schmidt, haha
> 
> Cassian

_Jyn’s response was short, as usual:_

> No guarantees, Andor. Get home sooner, or get better WiFi so we can binge-watch something again together. Otherwise you’ll have to eat my dust :P

_It wasn’t as full of affection as he was hoping for, but perhaps she was busy with work again. Saw seemed like the type of person to push Jyn to her limits, and she wasn’t the type to back down from a challenge. He loved that about her._

_But it wasn't long after that exchange that he had to convey the bad news:_

> Jyn,
> 
> Bad news. I don’t think I can make it in time for Christmas. I know I said this tour was supposed to take about 6 months (obviously, it’s month #7 now), but…you know how it is. They never tell us when we can come back.
> 
> I know we made plans to just veg out and maybe have a nice romantic meal together, and I’m really sorry that it’s come to this (again), but I really hope you understand. In fact, I’ll understand if you don’t answer back for a while- I’m sure you’ll need the space. I really am sorry. I don’t know what else I can do about it.
> 
> I miss you. I love you.
> 
> Cassian

_She had yet to respond to that email._

 

The lack of a response entirely started to worry him. Surely, she would’ve found some time to talk about her free time with Leia and Shara? A complete lack of a response might be exactly as Kay described- an avoidance of him entirely. Have tensions ramped up that much between them because of his absence?

He sat up and buried his face in his hands. “I just want to go home,” he sighed.

“This is what you signed up for, Cassian,” Kay reminded him. “We all want to go home. I imagine you understood this, but surely you knew upon enlistment that you’d spend a chunk of your career being sent to different countries?”

“You know I didn’t really have a choice, Kay.”

“Indeed,” Kay answered. “When money is tight and career options in your hometown are shit, enlistment is a viable ticket out of your situation.”

Cassian’s voice lowered as he said, “The cost of that ticket is proving itself to be a lot higher than I anticipated,” more to himself than to his partner in crime.

There was a contemplative silence from Kay, then, “Your relationship seems a bit ironic though, doesn’t it?”

“I…what? What?” Cassian asked with an incredulous look.

Kay tilted his head inquisitively and said, “Your enlistment was a choice, and yet you knew that Jyn, a civilian, would have to be left behind during your inevitable deployments, even though you kept saying you wouldn’t leave her behind. Going on deployment means getting left behind a lot, no?”

The unusual heat wave today was already suffocating enough, but Kay’s inquisitiveness choked him outright.

 

_“Are you coming home soon?” Jyn asked over the phone a few weeks ago._

_“Jyn, you know I don’t know the answer to that.” He ran his palm across his buzz-cut hair as he sighed. If only he had his old hair length back before his enlistment- it was a lot easier to grab onto hair when he was feeling tense._

_There was silence- a long silence, actually- made even longer by the satphone’s natural delay. Finally, before Cassian could dare to speak up and ask if she’s still there, there was a resigned sigh on Jyn’s end. “I don’t think you’ll ever be home for Christmas now that your job’s been bringing you out on tours to the Middle East as much as they are.”_

_“Jyn-“_

_“But it’s okay, really, I understand,” she said, talking over him though that damned delay. He shut his mouth to let her keep talking before anything broke her focus. “Your job comes first. It’s important to you. The guys in your unit are important to you,” Jyn tried to explain, but there was a pain and loneliness that lingered. “I couldn’t forgive you if you dropped everything like that just for me anyway.”_

_There was a pregnant silence, and Cassian could sense that she had more to say, but hesitation prevented her from continuing. He remained quiet, hopeful that she was still on the line and just needed time to get her point across._

_“I just miss you, is all.” he finally heard her admit, more quietly than she had before, but it was a little hard to hear in the din of tank movement and machine operation happening just several yards away from him. “It’s not the same as hanging out with Leia or Shara. And even_ they _have to be shipped off to other places.”_

_“People keep asking me what I want for Christmas,” she continued after another pause, “and honestly, all I want is you. I never got to have you for Christmas, or Thanksgiving, or New Year’s. We’ve gone on one Valentine’s date. We’ve only celebrated your birthday together once. And I don’t think we ever got around to doing something for mine.”_

_“But Jyn, you_ do _know that this isn’t what I want out of us, right? I wish I could have every single one of those occasions with you; you know that, right?”_

_“I know, I know,” she responded, her voice still quiet, searching for strength, “I’m just…tired. Of a lot of this.”_

_The statement struck Cassian the wrong way. “What is that supposed to mean?” he asked immediately after she finished speaking in order to get an answer out of her sooner than later._

_“Don’t worry about it. This is my problem, I think. This is what I signed up for when we started dating. I should know better. I’ll try harder to get over this, though, and then we can stop talking about it and move on to other things.”_

_“I don’t think framing it like that is healthy, Jyn.”_

_“What part of this whole thing is_ healthy _right now?” she snapped, and he could hear her voice quiver at the word “healthy”._

_His heart dropped. How could anyone respond to that?_

_There was a sounding BOOM in the distance, followed by gunfire._

_“Jyn, I have to go. I’ll be home soon. I just don’t know exactly when. Hopefully I can call you again soon with better news,” Cassian said hurriedly, searching and reaching around him for his helmet and rifle. “I love you.”_

_“Please be sa-“_

_He inadvertently hung up on her as he dropped the satphone trying to grab the rest of his gear when the sounds of gunfire became more frequent. The phone lay on the ground as he ran out to join Kay and the others on the field._

 

“Jyn had a rough upbringing. She was orphaned, and then bounced around the system a lot. She used to say to me, ’they all leave, eventually’,” Cassian murmured, fiddling with his photo.

They sat in silence, accompanied only by the overlapping sounds of bootsteps outside their room. Kay tried to pat him on the shoulders to ease his tension a bit, but there still felt a heavy weight that Cassian was having a hard time bearing.

“I thought we could have both the job _and_ the relationship,” Cassian said eventually, staring at the ground, his eyes glazed over. “We’re strong people; we’re supposed to be able to handle it. She’s one of the strongest people I know.”

“I believe it was Rook who once said that loneliness can weaken even the strongest of hearts.” Kay’s voice quieted as he continued, “I imagine Jyn surrounds herself with so many servicemembers in her day-to-day because of work that it gets lonely for her if everyone is gone a lot.”

Cassian lay back on his cot and groaned. Out of the corner of his eye, he could see Kay fiddling with something in his hands. He tossed his photo aside and turned over in bed. There really wasn’t much he could do but try and get over his moping for a while longer before heading out for lunch.

“Cassian…?”

“What now, Kay?” he sighed.

“Since Christmas is coming up, would you like a Christmas present?”

Cassian turned his head to face Kay, who handed him an envelope.

It was unusual at best and suspicious at worst. Kay _never_ gives Christmas presents. _This has got to be a prank_ , Cassian thought. He propped himself back up to a sitting position and carefully opened the envelope, eyeing Kay with suspicion all the while.

A demure smile played on Kay’s lips, which concerned Cassian even further as he took the papers out. His eyes scrolled through the documents and they widened the further down his eyes scanned. He quickly snapped up to look at Kay. “Kay…” he started.

Kay’s smile morphed into a huge grin. “Merry Christmas, Cassian.”

Cassian felt Kay try to brace himself as he flung across the gap between their cots and pulled his friend into a tight embrace.

Kay merely patted him twice on Cassian’s back and rubbed his upper back briefly with the flat of his palm. It was probably the most amount of affection he could afford to give in one go, but Cassian was thankful nonetheless.

“I’ve learned over the three years of your relationship that her happiness is your happiness. I may be a pain in the ass, but I’d still hate to see my best friend unhappy.”

Cassian pulled back with a bright smile. “’Best friend’? You’re finally going to call me that?”

“Aaaaaaand, that’s enough affection for the rest of the year,” Kay declared as he brushed his shoulders off to scoot Cassian’s hands away.

Cassian was having a hard time trying to find the right words to describe his utmost gratitude towards his rather robotic friend. Instead, he responded with a simple “Thank you so much,” and decided that was more than enough for him.

Suddenly, he had a thought.

Cassian jumped up to his feet and scrambled to open up his laptop.

“Is something wrong, Cassian?” asked Kay.

“Not at all. I need to make a Skype call.”

“To Jyn?”

“No,” he responded with a wide grin. “To Leia.”

 

Jyn felt a blast of Christmas spirit hit her in the face as she opened the front door to Leia’s house on Christmas day. The air was thick with the smell of a holiday roast, combined with the heat from her fireplace and obnoxious vanilla and gingerbread air fresheners dotted throughout the home. Ben stood at the other side of the front door rug, staring up at Jyn. She couldn’t figure out if Ben was staring in adoration or scrutiny, but she didn’t want to stick around long enough to find out. So she dusted her boots off at the rug, shut the door, and patted Ben’s head a couple of times as she walked past him to head closer to the source of the typical Christmas music playing ahead of her.

“Jyn! Good to see you’ve rolled out of bed to join us!” Leia beamed as she saw Jyn enter the kitchen. She pulled Jyn into a tight bear hug.

“You wouldn’t stop calling me to come over,” Jyn grumbled, her arms pinned down at her sides from the aggressive embrace.

“I had to insist on it- at least come and help us eat all this food before you pass out drunk on your couch!”

“Well, I won’t say no to free food,” Jyn smirked as she handed Leia a bottle of champagne. “Can I leave your presents under the tree?”

Leia was in the middle of admiring the fact that Jyn bought her favorite brand. “Hmm? Yes, of course, thank you!”

Jyn headed over to the tree, where Ben stood yet again, eyeing her.

They engaged in a stare-down as she clutched her five presents- one for each Organa, followed by a present each for Luke and Han’s rather shaggy-haired best friend, Chuy.

“Ben,” she said in a curt greeting.

“Auntie Jyn,” Ben replied, still staring.

She slowly lowered herself to place the presents underneath the tree, not breaking eye contact with Ben. He used to be such a sweet child- the sudden animosity unnerved her.

“I’m leaving these here, but don’t touch them until your mom says you can,” she instructed.

Ben was unresponsive- instead he continued to stare at her as she slowly stood back up.

“Alright, Merry Christmas,” she said hesitantly as she backed away.

At the table, Ben’s mood seemed to have eased significantly as he sat on his dad’s lap, eating mashed potatoes.

“Shame Cassian can’t come home for Christmas,” Han said, taking a sip of his favorite whiskey on the rocks.

Jyn shrugged. “It is what it is. I’d rather not talk about it.”

Han chuckled. “Yeah, just stuff your face and drink with us at the very least- Leia outdid herself and made _way_ too much food.”

She looked up at the spread of food across the elongated table. There was an assortment of hors d'oeuvres on one end, followed by roasted turkey, honey-baked ham, mashed potatoes, and roasted vegetables, which were then padded on the other side by an array of pies, cakes, puddings, and other desserts.

Leia had made _all this?_

“I mean, I know Luke brought some of the deviled eggs, and you brought the champagne, and Chuy brought the best cake in the table, but…yeah, the second Leia came back from deployment she went to town on her recipe book trying to come up with things to make for Christmas. Eventually she couldn’t narrow it down so she decided to just make ‘em all.”

She gawked. “Honestly, there’s so much food here I feel like I could get into a food coma.”

“Where do you think Luke and Chuy are right now?” Han said with a grin.

Jyn snorted into her glass as she took a sip. She started to feel like less of an intrusion at Leia’s party.

“Hey, Jyn?”

“Yeah?” she responded in between bites of turkey.

“You ever get those problems with internet connections on Skype?”

She thought back to her last Skype call with Cassian. It had been a while…about 6 months now? She felt a little guilty by that realization, but she smiled fondly at the memory. “Yeah, Cassian’s internet was so spotty for a while on-base that he nearly threw his laptop to the wall. It took him 5 tries just to say, ‘I love you’ without the call cutting off.”

Han laughed as he fed Ben a spoonful of ripped up turkey. “Yeah, once I tried to tell Leia that Ben had started to learn his ABCs for the first time, but she demanded proof on Skype, so I put him in front of the camera, but Ben refused to do it at first…When he finally got around to it, the video call kept cutting out.”

“Hah! Did she scream at her laptop?”

“Yeah! but because the video call was spotty, it turned into intermittent screeching that terrified Ben and he wouldn’t stop crying.”

Jyn had to put her fork and knife down to cover her mouth as her shoulders shook with laughter. “You should’ve just sent her a video!”

“I tried! But she demanded to see it _live_. Like hell that was gonna work with her internet connection.”

“Better than satphone calls, though!”

“Don’t even get me started on those. I swear those delays make up a bulk of our fights while she’s away! It’s a shocker that news anchors don’t blow up when they have a delay in talking to someone broadcasting live from ‘out on the field’.”

They kept swapping stories about the communication mishaps they experienced when their significant others were out on deployment. Jyn knew it was a deliberate attempt on Han’s part to try and cheer her up- as if to say, “you and I are on the same boat!”- and while she knew her circumstances weren’t quite the same, she appreciated the effort. So, she continued to play along with it; at least it gave her something to laugh about.

She and Han kept up their “dependent banter” for a while until Leia showed up with _another_ casserole dish, this time with cheesy scalloped potatoes.

“Before I forget,” Leia started, placing the dish down in front of her on the table, “I do have your present, but it’s too big to fit under the tree, so I left it in my room. You can grab it when you’re done eating.”

“At the end of the hall, right?”

“Yeap! Han, Ben, Kay, and I worked really hard on it, so consider it a mega-present from the four of us.”

Jyn arched an eyebrow. “Kay is in on this present, too?”

Leia flashed a playful smile as she handed Jyn a glass of the champagne she brought.

“I’m afraid to go in your room now,” she said. “Kay doesn’t _do_ Christmas…what the he-“ She paused to look down at Ben, his wide eyes fixated on Jyn, as if he were daring her to get the next word out.

Jyn backtracked. “Double-you-tee-eff are you guys plotting if Kay is in on this, Leia?”

“I promise it’s not a prank, just trust me on this one,” Leia said simply before setting out to hoard Luke’s deviled eggs. “Oh, but if you’re going to get your present, I’ll need to wake up Luke and Chuy- they’ll want to witness this.”

“Okay, _now_ I’m convinced this is a prank. I’m not going to go in your room.”

“Alright,” Leia said with feigned disappointment as she slapped a scoop of the scalloped potatoes onto Jyn’s plate. “Eat that first, have a slice of cake, **then** go to my room and get your present. I’m not letting you leave without it.”

Jyn sighed as she took a mouthful of creamy, hot potatoes. Leia outdid herself this time, she had to admit- the food was delicious.

But soon enough, her meal was over and Jyn couldn’t eat another bite.

Leia pulled her up and pushed her in the direction of the hallway.

Jyn gulped. The master bedroom door was closed.

Whatever the present was, it was on the other side.

If a clown was somehow hiding on the other side of that door, she resolved to punch the clown, then punch Leia immediately after.

She padded towards the door with extreme caution, carefully listening to any sounds, any ruffles, any…balloon-rubbing or nose-squeaks.

No such sounds were detected when she finally got face-to-face with the door.

She gripped the doorknob gingerly, twisted it slowly, and pushed the door open before flicking on the lights.

There was someone on the other side of that door, indeed, but it was no clown.

“Hey.”

Jyn’s eyes widened.

In front of her stood Cassian, still in uniform, his luggage on the floor. His arms were loosely and playfully wrapped in wrapping paper, and a bright red bow was stuck on the top of his head.

He smiled shyly. “I’m home.”

Jyn stood frozen at the doorway.

She took a breath, then quickly stormed out of the room.

“Wait, Jyn!” Cassian yelled out, waddling at first from the limitations of the wrapping paper. Upon realizing how absurd it was to let himself be held back by the paper, he spread his arms open to free himself and ran after her.

Jyn had slid along the hardwood floor and glared at Leia, who had her phone already poised to film all this.

“WHAT THE FUCK, LEIA?!” Jyn yelled.

Han pressed his hands over Ben’s ears. “Language!”

She pointed at Han accusingly. “NO. YOU SHUT YOUR FACE. WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON?!”

Cassian walked out of the hallway and approached Jyn cautiously. “Should I…not have come back?”

She whipped around to look at Cassian. “You said it would still be a few months. I…” her shoulders sank. “I thought I was going to have to spend another Christmas without you. I spent so much time just trying to forget you for the holidays, just to make it easier on me…”

“You _did_ say that all you wanted for Christmas was me, no?”

He wasn’t wrong, but Jyn found herself at a loss for words. “Yeah but…but _how_?”

Cassian smiled. “Kay pulled some strings- got me a flight home and a week’s worth of leave.”

She turned to Leia again. “Is this what you meant when you said Kay helped out?”

Leia nodded, the phone still up. “Then Cassian Skyped me to help plan the surprise. Han picked him up from the airport and wrapped him up in paper, and Ben put on the bow.”

Jyn looked at Cassian again, the red bow still adhered to the top of his head. Her vision started to cloud- she just couldn’t believe it.

“I thought I’d never get to spend any holidays with you, ever,” she said, her voice cracking.

Cassian stepped even closer to her, his voice gentle. “I worried about that too. When Kay gave me the plane ticket, I realized I should’ve been trying harder to ease your stress while I’m gone. I don’t want you to keep thinking that I wouldn’t be around when it mattered.”

Jyn didn’t hesitate to run and jump up into his arms.

She was overwhelmed by it all. Her body trembled the more she thought about it, and she clung onto Cassian as if her life depended on it. Her face streamed with tears, and a part of her prayed that Leia wouldn’t use this moment of weakness against her in the future.

Another part of her didn’t care, however, because Cassian- _her_ Cassian- was back home for Christmas for the first time in the three years they’d been dating.

She opened an eye and saw Leia in the corner, her phone aimed at the couple, no doubt _still_ recording this reunion. Their eyes met and she winked.

 _Merry Christmas,_ the wink seemed to say.

Jyn nodded subtly at her. _Thank you_.

Cassian finally managed to pull away just enough so that they could look at each other face-to-face. “I’m sorry I kept making you feel abandoned,” he whispered. “But believe me when I say this: when it comes to deployment, yes, I have to leave…but I will always come back.”

Jyn sniffed and shook her head, “I’m sorry I kept expecting the worst out of you,” she answered back quietly, not wanting to reveal too much to the small group of people still applauding around them.

He kissed her forehead before resting his forehead on hers to nuzzle her nose. It made Jyn warm up a little more, a welcome feeling given her frustration with how cold it’s been. She let herself sink into his embrace a little bit more to bask in the warmth.

She took a deep breath to take in his scent for the first time in several months, and sighed contentedly. “Our bed was cold without you around,” she mumbled into his uniform.

He caressed her jawline and traced his fingers down to her chin to lift her head up. The look in his eyes was loving with a hint of playfulness as his other hand rested at her hips, squeezing gently with desire. Cassian then smirked and licked his lips briefly. “Let’s warm it up tonight, then.”

**Author's Note:**

> fun fact: a lot of this angst draws on some personal experiences of growing up as a Navy brat. I grew up moving around a lot, then watched my dad leave a lot for deployment, and it was kind of rough for me as far as making solid friendships was concerned. I even went so far as to resolve to **never** date anyone who'd be constantly on deployment because I didn't think I could handle being away from my SO a lot.
> 
> The universe is laughing at me right now because I'm now in a field of work that will eventually require me to travel a lot on 6- to 12-month contracts, much like deployment itself. Funny how that works.
> 
> Hope y'all had a wonderful holiday season! Best wishes in the new year. <3


End file.
